Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Martian

The Martian
(2015) Matt Damon, Jessica Chastain, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Jeff Daniels, Michael Peña, Kate Mara, Sebastian Stan, Sean Bean, Kristen Wiig, Aksel Hennie, Benedict Wong, Donald Glover, Mackenzie Davis


So I went to see The Martian at the cinema tonight. I was hopeful yet wary at the same time. The book was so amazing, and I know how Hollywood loves to change things up, so I was a little scared. I also was iffy about the casting of Matt Damon. I thought he might be too “big” for the role, too good looking. Mark Watney was described as being a little geeky, and Matt’s not the first name to come to mind when I hear “geeky”. But my fears were all unfounded, this was a great piece of film. Matt easily pulled off Mark’s geeky charm and sense of humour, but was also there when he needed to be serious and more dramatic. There was a lot missing from the film that was in the book, but that’s to be expected, there’s no way to fit everything, but everything important was there, and they didn’t add any useless Hollywoodized crap. There was just one thing that pissed me off a little, and that was that they changed a character’s race and first name. In the book, one of the NASA people is called Venket Kapoor, and he’s Indian. In the film they made him black and changed his name to Vincent. The rest of the racially diverse cast is right, so why change that one? It’s ridiculous. But that’s really the only bad thing I have to say about the film. Everything was great, good acting all round, great story, nice visuals, even the usually annoying 3D was alright. And so it gets an almost perfect 9.5/10 from me!


Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Last Days on Mars

The Last Days on Mars
(2013) Liev Schreiber, Elias Koteas, Romola Garai, Olivia Williams, Johnny Harris, Goran Kostic, and Tom Cullen


I’m not the biggest fan of indie sci-fi, but I’d been pleasantly surprised by Europa Report, so I decided to go ahead and give this one a try. What an awful, awful mistake that was. The film starts, and already everyone is on edge and acting strange. One of the leads keeps getting weird flashbacks, another is a mega-bitch who doesn’t even blink when the first body is found, asking instead if they will announce their findings. After 31 minutes of having characters telling each other to fuck off, still having no explanation as to how this crack team got to Mars in the first place (guess they went to the same Academy as the Prometheus crew), and a ridiculous amount of heavy breathing, I couldn’t do it anymore. I don’t often stop movies before they’re done, but I really couldn’t subject my brain to any more of this crap. 0/10.

This movie is currently streaming on Netflix, but do yourself a favour and don’t bother. Watch Europa Report instead. I’m not even going to go look for a trailer :-p


Mel’s 5 Second Review: Prometheus

(2012) Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender, Charlize Theron, Idris Elba, Guy Pearce, Logan Marshall-Green, Sean Harris, Rafe Spall and Emun Elliott


Oh, Prometheus, how could you have gone so very wrong? Where to even begin? The paper thin plot? The self-administered cesarean? People dying in the dumbest way possible (apparently, future folks can only run in straight lines)? Really I could go on for ages. But I won’t. I’ve already wasted enough of my life on this poor excuse of a movie. Could have been so good, it’s a real shame. There were so many problems in the script and the action, that it was just really hard to enjoy. All in all, quite disappointing. It gets nothing more than a very mediocre 5/10.

This movie is currently streaming on Netflix if you haven’t seen it and are in the mood to see a great franchise getting shat on. Enjoy 😉

And here, instead of the real trailer, check out this Honest Trailer. It’s funny as hell, and probably better than the actual film :-p


Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Fourth Kind

The Fourth Kind
(2009) Milla Jovovich, Will Patton, Hakeem Kae-Kazim, Corey Johnson, Enzo Cilenti, Elias Koteas, Eric Loren, Mia McKenna-Bruce, Raphaël Coleman and Charlotte Milchard


So, this is a pretty big meh. Had a few good scenes, but nothing spectacular. Also the “actual footage” thing only works when said footage is real. The “real” Dr Taylor is played by an actress named Charlotte Milchard. That kinda kills the whole credibility thing. I had heard that the film was really scary, so my expectations were pretty high when I started watching it. Needless to say, my expectations were nowhere near met. A very disappointing 5/10.

This movie is currently streaming on Netflix, if you don’t wanna take my word for it.


Mel’s 5 Second Review: Dark Skies

Dark Skies
(2013) Keri Russell, Josh Hamilton, Dakota Goyo, Kadan Rockett, JK Simmons, LJ Benet, Annie Thurman and Jake Washburn


Slow in some parts, but overall, a pretty decent alien flick. Not very scary, but it still manages to be subtly creepy in some parts. You never see the aliens full on, only in shadows and out-of-focus behind or beside the actors, which I think, unless you’ve got HR Giger as your designer, is the best way to do it. The acting was pretty good, a little sketchy at times, but never downright bad. And the story manages to take the over-hashed abduction story and breathe some new life into it. I give it a well deserved 7/10.

The film isn’t currently on Netflix, and the only version I found on YouTube is this french version. But go ahead and track it down. It’s worth it.