Review Club #8 – Maggie



First up, it’s Rob from over at MovieRob:


It’s no secret that I have never been a real fan of horror or monster movies, but for some reason almost 4 years ago, I started to watch the show The Walking Dead and became a fan of Zombie movies.

In the years since, I’ve seen many more films of the genre and still remain fascinated by it.

One of the things that somewhat bothered me about most of the Zombie kind of movies is that they all (rightfully) spend most of their time having the characters run away from Zombies instead of trying to understand the human aspects of it.

I believe that that is one of the blessing of TWD because we get to see both of those sides.

When I heard about this movie a few months back, I didn’t know much about it besides that it stars Arnie and Abigail Breslin as father and daughter.

I subsequently found out that it would be a Zombie flick and that alone was a draw for me.

In general though, this is a really crappy Zombie movie because it doesn’t have many Zombies in it, but the one aspect where it truly succeeds is in showing the emotional side of the Zombie Apocalypse.

We get to experience what a person suffers through as they are slowly turning into a zombie and that gives this movie a bit of heart.

Unfortunately, the way the story follows through and also with the fact that all of the supporting characters being really bland doesn’t help this movie along at all.

Another strike against it is that it feels like it should be a normal Arnie action film, but instead they try to get a bit of emotion out of the Terminator… which isn’t an easy thing to do.

Overall, I found this movie boring and tedious and was quite happy about its short running time.

Arnie should stick to action instead of this silly zombie drama drivel!



And finally, here’s mine:


Mel’s 5 Second Review: Maggie
(2015) Arnold Schwarzenegger, Abigail Breslin, Joely Richardson, Douglas M Griffin, JD Evermore, Rachel Whitman Groves, Jodie Moore, Bryce Romero, Raeden Greer


So, what to say about this film? It wasn’t very good, but it wasn’t awful. The first half hour was pretty boring, and if it were up tome, I’d have just turned it off, but I was watching with two other people, so I had to finish. Besides, it was for Review Club, and it’s not fair to have others watch the whole thing, and I wimp out 30 minutes in. So I stuck it out. It did get a little better eventually, so that was a plus, but it never turned into a great film. It was well shot, the acting was mostly good, but despite the interesting premise (done better in the video game Dead Rising) it wasn’t enough to hold my interest. There was also the fact that the titular character wasn’t really likable, so it was hard to care about her plight. To run away from a loving family during a zombie apocalypse is just asking to get infected, and what do you know, that’s exactly what happens. I have to say I was happy about the ending, but it was the only part of the film that got any emotion out of me at all. It gets a very meh 4.5/10 from me.

This film isn’t currently streaming on Netflix, nor is there a copy on YouTube, so it’s only available through rental. Take my advice, though, and skip it.



And that’s it for now! Come back in two weeks when we review The Theory of Everything! 🙂

Review Club #6 – Agora


To switch things up a little, here’s my review first (I know, I’m a wild one!):

Mel’s 10 Things About: Agora (2009)
Starring: Rachel Weisz, Max Minghella, Oscar Isaac, Ashraf Barhom, Rupert Evans, Homayoun Ershadi, Michael Lonsdale, Sami Samir


So this was a pretty hard movie to watch. It had a hard time finding distributors, and yeah, I can understand why. I’m having trouble completing full ideas today, so here’s a list of my thoughts about the film. {SPOILERS AHEAD}

1. I like Rachel Weisz. She’s hot.
2. The young slave is also hot. Who’s he, and where’s he been all my life?
3. The acting ranged from decent to good.
4. The sound mixing was AWFUL. The music would blare one second and then the talking was so low it was ridiculous. My tv volume went from 12 to 34 regularly. It’s annoying.
5. I don’t understand why Davus turned so fast and became a murderous dick. Did I miss something? And don’t say it’s because she called him an idiot in the heat of the battle. He’s smarter than that.
6. It made me angry and sad to see the Library of Alexandria get trashed. “We don’t need all this stupid science when we have God”. Ugh. So much knowledge, destroyed. How much more advanced would we be now if all of that needn’t of been relearned?
7. The film just fueled my disdain and, shall I dare say, hate?, of organized religion. All of them, not just Catholicism. “It’s written in a book, so it must be so”, right? In that vein of thought, vampires are real, we’re all pod people, and werewolves occupy positions in government offices. Ridiculous.
8. The film was shot beautifully, the sets and costumes absolutely gorgeous.
9. You’d think the most disgusting character would be the Bishop in black, but he’s not. He’s evil, yes, but always was. The worst character is Hypatia’s friend, the Bishop in white, who turns on her in the blink of an eye after hearing a quote from that damned book.
10. It’s a real shame Hypatia didn’t have a Davus to kill her peacefully at the end in real life. The poor woman was stripped, stoned, dragged around town behind a horse, her body being skinned and torn to bits, then she was burned. This lady didn’t have a good go of it.




Up next is Eric, from over at The IPC.

Agora AKA One Million Angry Christians in the House

I had never heard of this movie before Mel assigned it to us but I saw that it had Rachel Weisz in it so I got a little excited – I think she’s super hot and can act well sometimes. My semi-chub was reduced to nothing pretty quickly as this movie started and NOTHING happened for any amount of time. The only thing I could think of was “fuck these Egyptians are awful white” and I couldn’t keep track of any of the male characters because they ALL had white skin, black hair and had a name that were five syllables long and ended in “ius”. Erictheopolius. Ericmeniopolius. Ericmomonius, etc. So there was that and the fact that this was REALLY boring so I didn’t care. The most interesting and bizaare thing to happen was when Weisz’ character brings one of her suitors a blood stained rag and says “this is the essence of my womb” or something which I guess was her way of saying “I don’t want to go out with you”

blood rag

Then the Alexandrian Whites got angry and started killing the Christians who got mad and then started killing the Alexandrians and destroying everything so the Alexandrians converted to Christianity and then they all started throwing rocks at Jews who threw rocks back and then the Jews were all killed or exiled and Weisz figures out that the earth revolves around the sun so they stone her to death. I have to admit that this movie looks really pretty but the dialogue is atrocious and silly and it was kind of embarrassing to see Weisz commanding her slave to “Grab the bag! Just grab the bag! Do as I say and grab the bag!” during the big siege scene. Oh well – I didn’t like this very much. Say – someone once told me that my first Gravatar image looked like a “period stain” – what do you think?


2 bloody rags out of 5


Up next we have my darling husband Francois, over at FrankishNet.

Agora – a short review

I have mixed feelings about Agora.

The first feeling is love. I loved it. The historical accuracy and setting, the costumes, the actors. It is also original in the sense that it is an “Historical religious move”, and yet not, since it’s about science. I position myself with our heroine: there is science, the rest is not really worth believing in, as it is a tool to serve a political agenda, or to justify hate and murder. On this account, this movie brilliantly demonstrated the relationship of hate and horrifying acts justified by religion, that we live in daily still today.
No wonder they had troubles distributing the movie…

The second feeling is hate. I hated it. Already charged with political, scientific and religious turmoil, the movie was already heavy for the regular watcher. Then add in the mixed opinions on slavery and possession. Our heroine is gentle and intelligent and respects the slaves. Yet, they are still slave and are meant to obey. And that is totally normal given her birthright, upbringing and era.

However, her acts of kindness toward a slave, who is very intelligent and kind as well, are twisted and transformed in his heart, making him fall in love with his mistress. How is this represented? He asks the gods to “own” her, and ultimately kills her himself, after betraying everything he had learned with her, because she had reminded him of his slavery when the library was being taken.
Yes this adds a lot of dimension to both the movie and the character. But with a movie that was already heavy with subject matter, this felt too much and out of place. They should have left the topic of “Slaves wanting to own their mistress so badly that only them are allowed to kill them, and that is fine” out of the movie and kept it as background noise. “There are slaves. Slaves are slaves. Its the era, its fine”, and let us cry horribly when she is stoned to death, as happened in history.

So here, a good mix of hate and love. It was a very heavy movie, that does not leave you feeling good with yourself, but it did a great job at making us reflect on just how much pain are we ready to take or inflict for our believes, and if those believes aren’t just in truth disguised lust for power, or survival.

I’ll give it a solid 8/10 in its “historic” category, and a mixed 5 in “I enjoyed watching it”.
(Except for her ass. Her ass is 10/10).


And finally, rounding things out is Rob, from over at MovieRob.

Before Mel chose this as the next Review Club entry, I had never even heard of this and upon reading the summary, it definitely seemed interesting.

This movie does a very interesting job of trying to discuss modern seemingly contradictions between religion and science set in an ancient world.

Many people nowadays still believe that these two subjects cannot coexist in society in the same way it was believed during the time that this movie takes place 1700 years ago.

Unfortunately, despite it revolving around a very interesting subject matter, the story itself is less interesting and I actually got tired of the soap opera-esk storyline.

I didn’t find any of the male characters compelling enough for a story like this and as great a job as star Rachel Weisz does here, her role isn’t ‘meaty’ enough and in some parts of the movie even seems like she is completely wasted.

As far as historically accurate movies go, I have no idea what really happened or not in real life. Personally, I don’t go to the movies for historically accurate depictions on the big screen, I go to be entertained by the stories. If I did, I’d be better off just watching ‘The History Channel’ all day. 😉

Some of the effects in the movies were done well, but the coolest effect is the use of ‘Google maps’ to zoom in and out of cities and magnifying things to minute details.

This could have been so much more interesting, but instead it was a wasted storyline that comes off quite mediocre.


And that’s it folks! Join us again in two weeks for when we review Chef!! 🙂


PS, what do you guys think of my new review format? I was having trouble making a coherent paragraph for Mel’s 5 Second Review, so I came up with Mel’s 10 Things About. Do you like it? Which format do you prefer? Let me know please! 🙂

Review Club #5 – Jessabelle



Up first is the other Mel (hehe), from over at The Creative Fox Den:

Firstly, I have to say that I love Sarah Snook. She has some serious acting chops and I thought her performance in Predestination was incredible. Unfortunately, her performance in Jessabelle was not as inspired.

I have to admit that the movie started out reasonably well; it set the tone for the character that Sarah Snook plays and the overall feeling of the film. The audience even has hope for the father, even though we know that he has a very sordid past.

The fist scare of the movie is done really well, actually. When the “bathtub incident” occurs, I jumped out of my seat. I was genuinely scared and I anticipated that the rest of the movie would have similar moments.

Unfortunately, it did not. The horror is downhill from there. The father, that we somewhat familiarized with, becomes a completely unlikable character. Furthermore, the plot becomes very predictable.

Also, the fact that the romantic interest is married and obviously interested in the main character has little validity. It isn’t a relationship that is explored enough to merit the dedication that supports infidelity. What’s the purpose here? Are we supposed to be rooting for this couple? Because we aren’t.

Overall, there are probably two scary moments in this film. Does two frightening moments a scary movie make? I don’t think so. The ending is equally ridiculous and undeserving of praise for innovation. I wouldn’t recommend this one overall but there is some production value behind it.

Overall score = 4/10


Next, we have Rob, over at MovieRob:

Jessabelle (2014)

I am not, never have been, and probably never will be, a fan of horror movies; they just don’t appeal to me personally.

When Mel chose this as the Review Club film, I gotta admit that I was pretty scared because when going into a movie that you have no expectations or care about, how can you appropriately give an unbiased opinion?

So I decided to still give it a go since I felt that I need to sometimes do things that I don’t want to do in order to try and broaden my (movie watching) horizons.

And guess what…?

I LOVED this movie. It was one of the best movies I’ve seen and when it was over, I wanted to pop it back in and watch it again.

REALLY???? You may ask.


Nah. It actually it met all of my sucky expectations.

The plot didn’t feel original at all and I was sooooo bored while watching this that I just wanted everyone to die sooner.

Thankfully, the movie wasn’t so long so I was able to endure without (too many) thoughts of slitting my wrists. 😉

This movie used the tried and true idea of someone revisiting their past home and awakening both feelings and spirits long buried deep down below.

The idea of found footage has also been way overused in the past and I didn’t feel that it added enough to make this movie feel unique in any way, shape or form.

The ending wasn’t much of a surprise for me and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t anticipate something like that.

Suffice it to say, watching this movie didn’t make me change my initial thoughts about the genre and although I may dabble in it every once in a while, don’t expect to see many horror flick reviews coming from me in the near future.

That being said, I’m not upset that I gave this one a whirl.


Tnx Mel!!!


Next up is Abbi, from over at abbiosbiston:

Here’s my review for Jessabelle:

On the day that Jessie (Sarah Snook) is supposed to move in with her boyfriend and start a family together they are involved in a terrible car crash. He dies and she loses her baby and the use of her legs. With no money and nowhere to go she is forced to turn to her estranged father (David Andrews) who brings her back to the creepy Louisiana home she grew up in. While looking around her room Jessie finds some videos her mother (Joelle Carter) made before she died. The creepy videos show her mother doing tarot readings for her unborn baby that suggest that very bad things are going to happen. At the same time Jessie is having terrible nightmares about a dead girl attacking her and spewing black shit all over her… but are they really nightmares and who exactly is this dead girl?


I am going to start by saying that there was absolutely nothing scary about this movie. I get freaked out easily but I didn’t even jump one single time. That might be because there is nothing original about this movie. We’ve all seen the creepy dead girl before. We’ve all seen the spirit reaching for someone through a curtain before. Even the voodoo stuff is old. And there was so much stuff I just did not get… like this:

– Why did Jessie’s mom have her own room in the house and why did she not find it weird that her parents weren’t sleeping in the same room?
– After her dad flipped out and threw her wheelchair in the swamp he gave her her mother’s wheelchair but it’s never mentioned that her mother was in a wheelchair and in the videos she’s walking around.
– Also I mean pushing a disabled person’s wheelchair in a swamp is pretty crazy behaviour, would Jessie not at this stage call her health worker for help?
– Why does Jessie not have a cellphone until Preston gives her his?
– If the real Jessabelle died as a baby why is she an adult dead girl?
– Supposedly Jessie’s dad adopted her as a child to cover up that he had killed the real Jessabelle… who was black… how on earth did no one notice the baby had changed race? Someone must have seen the original baby… like the doctor that delivered her. It’s a small town.
– Why did they write in a wife for Preston? It was just an annoying distraction.
– What the hell is up with Sarah Snook’s voice? She was so annoying.

I am going to strongly recommend that you don’t watch this movie because it is a load of crap. 0/5

Sorry I didn’t like it but I hope that someone does!!



And finally, here’s mine!:

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Jessabelle
(2014) Sarah Snook, Mark Webber, Joelle Carter, David Andrews, Amber Stevens, Chris Ellis, Vaughn Wilson, Larisa Oleynik


Let me start by saying that I didn’t hate it as much as the others did. True, it wasn’t very original, and the ending got a little silly (and a lot predictable), but I still kinda liked it. The acting was surprisingly good, especially for such a small production. It wasn’t very scary, which was disappointing, but it had one or two tense scenes. That’s pretty much it, though. Movies like this are alright while you’re watching them, and I don’t want my time back, but in the end, they’re ultimately forgettable, not inspiring me to write about it. Oh yeah, one last thing before I go. We saw WAY too much of the ghost. I’m of the opinion, as some of you may know by now, that less is more. A ghost that’s onscreen for that long just completely loses its scare-factor. All in all, a decent film, but nothing special. 6.5/10

This film isn’t currently on Netflix, but it is playing on TMN and TMN On Demand.


And that’s it! Join us again in two weeks for more review goodness! 😀

Review Club #4 – Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

Sea of Monsters


First up is my baby sister, Amanda, over at Isolabella101:

I liked the movie. It was quite interesting on how they had mixed Gods with humans, centaurs, a part-cyclops like Tyson, a cyclops and a son of Poseidon, Percy Jackson, who is half human. There’s another character, Clarisse, the daughter of war god Ares, and then Annabeth, the daughter of Athena. Clarisse is sent out on a quest to retrieve the Golden Fleece when the Talia guardian tree is dying due to a poison that was inflicted by Luke, the son of Hermes. His desire is to bring back the titan Kronos in hopes of destroying the Olympians. Clarisse is sent out on a mission to retrieve the Fleece, but Percy and his friends Annabeth and Grover, who is a satyr, decide to go after it as well. I thought it was quite annoying how Annabeth continued to be harsh towards Tyson, who had only one eye. Yes she had a grudge against the cyclops’ who had killed her friend Talia, but she shouldn’t have taken it out on him. Despite the fact that he was a son of Poseidon and a cyclops who appeared to clearly be ordinary (despite the one-eye thing). I could also tell that Clarisse had a “winning” ego and thought of herself to be the “top dog”. But, as the movie went on, I was pleased to see that her heart had slowly begun to change.

I liked this movie because it showed that you may appear to be different then everybody else, but that does not prove that you are what you appear to be. “Nothing is what it seems” is a quote that fits right in the puzzle of this movie. Percy Jackson is a story of teens going on a dangerous adventure with people they did not wish to be with at first, but had a change of heart in the end. I wish that all teens will watch this movie and take it to consideration towards racism. Appearance is just the cover of the book. You must read the content in order to have full rights to judge.



Next up is Rob, from over at MovieRob:

One of the things that I don’t like about many sequels is the fact that the movies aren’t made to stand alone. It’s perfectly acceptable when a movie in a franchise has some connection to the previous movies, but when watching this one, I felt that it relied too much on the events of the first movie. I realize that this is mainly due to the way the books were written, but had I not watched The Lightning Thief right before watching this one, I think I would have felt completely lost.

Lately, Hollywood has gone a bit overboard with their love of YA books being turned into films. Ever since Harry Potter became such a success, they have been churning out adaptation after adaptation in order to try and find the next YA franchise that they can milk for as many movies and money as possible. Few have been overly successful (with The Hunger Games being the most successful so far).

This movie and its franchise is a retelling of the history of the Greek Gods and some scenes work much better than others. I can’t say I was bored with this movie, but I also can’t say that I was overly entertained either.

The characters were ok, but when comparing this to the previous movie in the franchise, this one just doesn’t pull its weight at all and feels quite mediocre.

The effects aren’t done so well and some of it really looks and feels like they used archaic FX methods which detracts from the believability of the story and brings us back to reality instead of keeping us in this magical world on screen.

I’m not sure if they plan to continue the franchise or not, but I still would be interested in seeing where the story goes because there is potential here.



Continuing on, here’s my dear hubby, Francois (who’s French accent you can just hear while reading, hehe), from over at FrankishNet:

Not having seen the books, everything that happens in the Percy Jackson movie is always a surprise to me. And generally speaking, the story told by Sea of Monsters was really good.

What I liked about the movie? First, the fact that it layers the myths and legends of the Greek gods with our own world and reality. And they do touch the concept that these supernatural creatures are veiled from normal mortal eyes, without going at length to explain it. It’s quick, subtle, and works very well. One reference here is the scene in Washington when the barista was making the coffees with 6 arms in the the satyr’s point of view, but only 2 arms seen from a regular customer.

I also liked the struggles of personalities for each characters, and their development. Although, being a double-edge blade, this also made some characters seem fake in their reactions. The Scion of War being overly aggressive and rude was obviously destined to learn some humility by the end of the movie. Percy’s gorgeous follower suddenly turns out to be a foul racist, to later on realize that not all cyclops’ are alike. A lesson that should have been learned given their very nature (scion of gods, and all…), but a teenager movie calls for character development and personality struggles, so there…

I loved the humor (Aye Aye!… Huh… sorry) and loved the amount of it.

What I did not like is what you usually expect from this class of movie. That “class” being Fantasy movie based off novels and destined to younger audience, like Narnia (bullet points incoming!!).

Plot Holes! Small but frequent:
  • After Percy conjured a storm to shake the boat around… the manticore beast is still sleeping… Really?
  • Also… Why did Luke hang up their bag there? WHO DOES THAT? You capture a good guy with a backpack, who happens to tell you he swung by Hermes before coming… And you DO NOT SEARCH THEIR BELONGINGS? No… Luke is not that dumb. That is a huge plot hole… I assume it could only have been in the book too.
  • More of this. Last combat scene. Why does Percy have his sword in his pocket? Luke knows what the sword looks like. They tied him up, and did not take the sword? These bad guys were really asking for it…
  • Percy conjured a storm and a minute after the sky is clear blue. Why? Shouldn’t they be slowly retracting, going back where they came from, as clouds do? That would have been more realistic.
  • And Luke… He got a sense that something was going wrong, since there was a scene of him looking up and going “Why the heck the boat is rocking?” Yet… They don’t go below deck to check it out. No. “The sea is going nuts… It is probably not related to the 2 scions of Poseidon I got below deck. SURELY NOT”. Dumbass…
  • Kronos… Didn’t you learn the first time around to CHEW your FOOD. Idiot titan, you deserve to be cut in pieces.

Last thing I didn’t like… SO MANY HOT LADIES, NOT A SINGLE KISS. I was saddened by the last scene… I guess Percy doesn’t get involved with his sidekicks just yet…

So all in all, very nice movie. If you can overlook plot holes here and there, and survive the satyr satires (hee hee), I was rightly entertained. I would rate it a solid 8/10 in its category (PG13 Fantasy based on novels), and a generous 6/10 overall movie.


And closing out, as always, is mine:

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Percy Jackson Sea of Monsters
Logan Lerman, Alexandra Daddario, Brandon T Jackson, Douglas Smith, Leven Rambin, Jake Abel, Anthony Stewart Head, Stanley Tucci, Nathan Fillion


What a fun little film this was. Not as good as the first one, but I wasn’t really surprised by that, they rarely are. While it’s true that movies based on YA books need to pretty much die out now (I stopped paying attention after the first Hunger Games film), I enjoyed these books very much, so I really couldn’t help myself. And I’m glad I finally got around to it. It’s not perfect, there are some groan-inducing moments, some “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” moments, and at least one moment where what happened shouldn’t have happened (to be as vague as possible, I’ll just say the healing waters moment near the end). I missed Pierce Brosnan in the role of Chiron, but Anthony Stewart Head (Giles!!!) filled his hooves perfectly. The boys were cute, the girls pretty, the action fun, and the villains villainous. All in all, a fun teen fantasy film. I give it a solid 8/10.



And that’s it for this outing! Join us again in 2 weeks when we review Jessabelle! 🙂

Review Club #3 – Dracula Untold



First up, here’s Rob from over at MovieRob:

I am by far not the biggest fan of movies in the horror genre, but ever since I was a kid, I’ve enjoyed the “generic” stories of the “original” four; Frankenstein, The Mummy, The Wolfman and of course Dracula.

When this movie came out, I avoided it like the plague because I had heard so many crappy things about it that it just didn’t sound worthwhile to give it a watch.

…But then came Review Club

So I decided that worse comes to worse, I wasted 90 minutes on a movie (which happens now and again)

Instead, I found myself sucked in to the story, because it wasn’t a horror movie, it was instead a historical action/drama with a supernatural element to it.

I could empathize with the characters and although this isn’t a Braveheart or Gladiator, it was still a compelling movie about love, honor and protecting one’s family and loved ones.

This really is an interesting take on the Dracula myth and I liked how it all comes full circle at the end in order to open up the possibility of continuing the storyline.

It’s too bad that it seems that this will be the last of the series because the idea to reboot the “monster” franchises of days of old is a great idea.



Next up is Eric, from The IPC:

When I first saw the trailer for this, I blew it off as PG-13 CGI horseshit and never gave it another thought. Then I saw a couple of positive reviews from some writers I believe in and I was all “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!” You know – I dropped to my knees and aimed my head at the sky and screamed “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” much to the alarm of my co-workers. Eventually I composed myself and went on about my business and forgot that anything like that had ever happened and then Melanie started Movie Club and she took out her whip and snapped it a few times and said we had to watch this movie and I was all, knee dropping again and I screamed “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” But, I am loyal and faithful to my friends so I ordered it up and it wasn’t too bad, actually. But I wasn’t really in love with this:


The opening and first third of the film was pretty good and I was buying into it. I thought it got a little dodgy when he killed 1000 men by himself but…. OK…. the rest of the thing wasn’t too bad – that part where someone falls off of the tower was pretty good but there were too many “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” moments for me. Would I recommend it? MEH. It’s better than I thought it would be, for sure, but it’s still a movie about how Dracula became Dracula filled with lots of CGI and melodrama. It’s a better vampire movie than that one Twilight movie I watched.

3 out 5 Men Screaming NOs



We continue with Abbi, from abbiosbiston:

Luke Evans plays Vlad, a fifteenth century Transylvanian prince who was once part of the Turkish army after being offered up by his father as a kind of hostage (like they do in Game of Thrones) as a child. During his rule his kingdom has been at peace with the Turks, mostly by paying them off. When the Turkish king, Mehmed (Dominic Cooper) – or I think he was the king anyway – decides he wants a thousand boys for his army, including Vlad’s son (again played by the kid who played Rickon Stark – he’s everywhere), Vlad cannot bring himself to acquiesce. He’s outmanned and outmatched though so he makes a deal with a vampire (Charles Dance) to receive his powers for three days. If Vlad can stay off the old claret for that time he’ll go back to normal if not he’ll be forever changed and the vampire will be released from the cave he’s imprisoned in. Vlad finds himself almost unbeatable but also tortured by an unslakeable thirst. Will he be able to resist and will it all be enough to hold off Mehmed’s horde?

So Luke Evans is super hot and Vlad has some pretty epic powers – infrared vision, sonic hearing, star gazing, he can turn into a fleet of bats… but that is about all that is good about this lacklustre film. The dialogue is stilted, most of the acting is wooden and there is zero character development. This movie is only 92 minutes long but it feels like it goes on forever, probably because it’s hard to give even a single fuck about any of the characters. I didn’t care about Vlad or his inspid wife or Rickon Stark and I half wished the Turks just mowed them down in the first 10 minutes. Oh and what was up with Dominic Cooper playing a Turk? He’s about as convincingly Turkish as I am, and it didn’t help that he’s been taking accent lessons from the Tom Hardy school of sounding not very Russian at all. What a load of batshit. 1/5


And lastly, here’s mine:

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Dracula Untold
(2014) Luke Evans, Dominic Cooper, Sarah Gadon, Art Parkinson, Charles Dance, Diarmaid Murtagh, Paul Kaye, William Houston, Noah Huntley, Ronan Vibert


This film was torn apart by the critics, getting the abysmal score of 23% on Rotten Tomatoes. The audience liked it a bit more, but still only gave it 59%, and only slightly better on IMDB, with a score of 6.4. And I truly don’t understand why. I thought it was great. No, it wasn’t Shakespeare, but really now, it wasn’t trying to be! Taken as what it is, a vampire action film, it succeeds very well. This origin story starts with the same base as a lot of the films, that Dracula was born from Vlad the Impaler, but everything else is rather new, and interesting. Most of the acting was quite good, the action scenes were fun (if a little over-CGI’d at times), and the characters were engaing enough to keep us caring about them. And yes, the two leads were plenty pleasant to look at. I’m a bit sad that then open end took us all the way into the present, I’d have liked another period piece as a sequel (if they do indeed decide to make one), but then again, Dracula films in the present are relatively few, so it’ll (hopefully) be something fresh. All in all, I thought this film was great fun, and it receives an equally great score of 8.5/10.

This film isn’t currently on Netflix, but is rentable on On Demand. Enjoy!



And that’s it for this round! Join us again in 2 weeks for reviews of Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters! 😀