Mel’s 10 Things About… Poltergeist

Poltergeist
(2015) Sam Rockwell, Rosemarie DeWitt, Kennedi Clements, Jared Harris, Kyle Catlett, Jane Adams, Saxon Sharbino, Susan Heyward, Nicholas Braun

poltergiest-2015

 

{SPOILERS INCOMING}
1. The beginning was really slow, and really boring. *yawn*
2. There were one or two good scenes, but on the whole the acting was pretty terrible.
3. Are we meant to believe that a poor family, with neither parent working, can buy a house? Especially one of that size? “Bad neighbourhood” my ass! Film-makers seem to have no concept of what bad neighbourhoods really look like. Poor people don’t buy big houses, they get crappy little apartments. Why make them poor, anyways? It added nothing to the story.
4. The film got better as time went one, but really, that’s not saying much.
5. There was also nothing scary about the film. Every time they tried to scare, I found it funny.
6. The only part that was even a little scary was the toy clown scene. Cause yeah, I hate clowns.
7. Considering that almost everything else is identical, why change the family’s names? Oh, cause the kids had to have “cool” modern names like Madison and Griffin. Ugh.
8. The only thing remotely interesting in the film was the depiction of the “other side”, even though the bad CGI made it look like a video game.
9. Carrigan’s last moments and sacrifice were made meaningless by the fact that he didn’t stay dead, which they said many times during the film would happen should anyone living go to the light.
10. Now to compare it to the original for a bit. The story was all there, but it simply didn’t have the interest-holding power of the original. The family was so obnoxious that I really didn’t care what happened to them. Why did they turn Tangina into a dude?? I think this pissed me off the most, even though I generally do like Jared Harris. And making him a ghost hunter on tv just added to the level of obnoxiousness that was already pretty high. So… no, I didn’t like this film.

3/10

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Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Pyramid

The Pyramid
(2014) Ashley Hinshaw, James Buckley, Denis O’Hare, Christa Nicola, Amir K, Faycal Attougui

pyramid

I almost turned this film off as soon as it began because of the found footage style. I can’t stand it. I decided to go ahead and give it a try anyways, since I paid for it, and was happy to see that only part of it was in that style, the rest was normal film. So all the worst parts of found footage films, like running with the camera, static, blinking lights, etc, were thankfully missing from this film. There was only one actor I’d heard of (Denis O’Hare, from American Horror Story), and the acting ranged from bad to decent, but unfortunately nothing better than that. It’s pretty much a by-the-numbers creature feature (and I knew it was going to be, but since it was about pyramids and ancient Egyptian lore, I couldn’t help myself), but it was well enough done and even had some good, tense scenes. The big reveal at the end was pretty darn cool, but unfortunately the FX couldn’t keep up with their idea, and the monster (I won’t spoil as to who it is just in case anyone should want to see the film) looks very cheap. A shame, really. All in all, looking past the not-so-great effects and mediocre acting, this is a pretty good tomb crawler, so earns its score of 7/10.

This film isn’t currently on Netflix, but there are full copies on YouTube. Enjoy 🙂

 

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Would You Rather

Would You Rather
(2013) Brittany Snow, Jeffrey Combs, Enver Gjokaj, Sasha Grey, Eddie Steeples, Robin Lord Taylor, Charlie Hofheimer, Robb Wells, Jonny Coyne, Lawrence Gilliard Jr, John Heard

would you rather

SPOILERS AHEAD

Definitely not for the faint of heart, this film really delivers on all fronts. The story is interesting, if simple, most of the acting is very good, and the villain is played by Jeffrey Combs, what more could you ask for? Checking Rotten Tomatoes, I was very surprised to see that it only garnered a score of 37% from the audience. I really liked it, and expected other horror fans to be in the same boat as me. Guess you never can tell. It was pretty predictable, but it didn’t take away any of my enjoyment of the film. And while there is obvious torture, it wasn’t done in such a way that it turns out to be just pure exploitation. It was pretty impressive how they managed that. The only thing that I had some trouble with the the completely abysmal ending. I wasn’t expecting a happy ending, a film like this shouldn’t have one anyways (it would simply undo everything that the film had been trying to accomplish in the first place), but having the sick brother commit suicide because he felt himself to be nothing but a burden hit just a little too close to home for me, and it upset me for a long time even after the movie was over. That plus Sasha Grey’s atrocious acting knocked the score down to a still very good 8/10.

This film is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy!

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Last Exorcism Part 2

The Last Exorcism Part 2
(2014) Ashley Bell, Julia Garner, Spencer Treat Clark, Tarra Riggs, Muse Watson, David Jensen, Louis Herthum, Erica Michelle, E Roger Mitchell

the-last-exorcism-part-2

So, I find myself not really having anything to say about this film. It wasn’t bad, but wasn’t great either. It picks up where the first one left off, with Nell escaping the woods and ending up in a hospital, then a troubled women’s home. A few months later, wouldn’t you know it, strange things start happening again. It’s different that the first one in the way that there isn’t really much possession going on, it’s more about the beast trying to get back in. The acting was decent, the writing decent, the locale decent, this film is all together decent, and ultimately forgettable. Despite it’s decentness, I can’t really recommend this film. It was just too… bland. And so it gets a bland score from me, 6/10.

I’m not sure if this film is on Netflix yet, I taped it off of TMN. If you’re interested enough to check it out, have at it.

 

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Quiet Ones

The Quiet Ones
(2014) Jared Harris, Sam Claflin, Olivia Cooke, Erin Richards, Rory Fleck-Byrne, and Laurie Calvert

quiet ones

I do love me a good haunting or possession story, so I was really looking forward to this film. So imagine my disappointment when I put this on and discovered it was one of the most boring possession films I’ve ever seen. It wasn’t scary at all, most of the characters are thoroughly unlikable jerks, and it just takes forever to get anywhere. It feels like a (bad) ripoff of Richard Matheson’s Hell House. Jared Harris is usually pretty good, but all I wanted to do is smack him upside the head (with a chair). And the constant smoking… ugh. I know it takes place in the 70’s, and it was a thing, but ugh. Even just seeing it onscreen disgusts me. I stopped the film about 25 minutes before it ended because I was tired and needed a nap, telling myself that I’d finish it some other time. Over a week later, and I still haven’t gotten around to it, nor do I feel the need to. Dull and pointless (and “based on a true story”, yeah right), it barely merits the 3/10 I gave it.

This film is currently streaming on Netflix UK, and is also on YouTube. But don’t say I didn’t warn you :-p

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Hellbound – Hellraiser II

Hellbound: Hellraiser II
(1988) Ashley Laurence, Clare Higgins, Kenneth Cranham, Imogen Boorman, Sean Chapman, William Hope, Barbie Wilde, and Doug Bradley

Hellbound-Hellraiser-II

I was sure I had seen this film ages ago, at around the same time that I saw the first one. But about 30 minutes in, after not recognizing anything, I realized that I had never seen it after all. And really, I wasn’t missing all that much. It wasn’t bad, it had some good plot devices and some cool practical effects, but man, what on earth were the film makers smoking?? From the moment Kirsty enters the Hell dimension, things start to get weird, and they just keep getting stranger as the film goes on. There’s a sadistic doctor who wants to see the Hell dimension, there’s a very Escher-like labyrinth, crazy looking Cenobytes, an incestuous uncle, and no one can seem to keep their skin on. Everything is very, err, moist. Those who like blood (and other fluids usually regulated to the inside of the body) will appreciate this. Those that don’t will likely spend a lot of the time with wrinkled noses, like I did. All in all, it wasn’t a complete waste of time, I don’t want my 97 minutes back, but I won’t ever be spending another 97 minutes on it. It gets a not bad 5.5/10.

This film is currently streaming on Netflix. There’s also a version on YouTube, but it’s dubbed in Spanish.

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Jennifer’s Body

Jennifer’s Body
(2009) Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried, Johnny Simmons, Adam Brody, Kyle Gallner, Sal Cortez, Ryan Levine, Juan Riedinger, Chris Pratt, JK Simmons and Amy Sedaris

jennifer's body

Looking past Megan Fox’s “acting”, I actually quite enjoyed Jennifer’s Body. No, obviously, it’s not Shakespeare, but really, it wasn’t trying to be. This a story about a teenage girl who gets possessed by an evil spirit and starts eating the high school boys, for heaven’s sake. What on earth were you expecting? Taken as what it is, it’s quite a fun little film. The perfect popcorn flick. With the added bonus of a lot of eye candy. Seriously, where do all these kids come from? There were no Megan Fox’s or Amanda Seyfried’s, or Kyle Gallner’s even, in my high school! But I digress… So yeah, put your brain on pause, make a giant bowl of popcorn and give it a whirl. It’s a fun 7.5/10.

This movie is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy! 🙂

 

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Dark House

Dark House
(2009) Jeffrey Combs, Meghan Ory, Diane Louise Salinger, Matt Cohen, Shelly Cole, Danso Gordon, Ryan Melander, Bevin Prince, Erin Cummings and Ian Reed Kesler

Dark_House

A campy, scary good time. Jeffrey Combs, even after all these years, is still awesome! The effects aren’t all that great, the acting is pretty shaky overall, but the story is interesting and, best of all, it’s got that late 80’s, early 90’s charm. Who says camp is dead?? Hehe 😀 A very fun 7.5/10.

This movie is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy! 🙂

 

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Fourth Kind

The Fourth Kind
(2009) Milla Jovovich, Will Patton, Hakeem Kae-Kazim, Corey Johnson, Enzo Cilenti, Elias Koteas, Eric Loren, Mia McKenna-Bruce, Raphaël Coleman and Charlotte Milchard

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So, this is a pretty big meh. Had a few good scenes, but nothing spectacular. Also the “actual footage” thing only works when said footage is real. The “real” Dr Taylor is played by an actress named Charlotte Milchard. That kinda kills the whole credibility thing. I had heard that the film was really scary, so my expectations were pretty high when I started watching it. Needless to say, my expectations were nowhere near met. A very disappointing 5/10.

This movie is currently streaming on Netflix, if you don’t wanna take my word for it.

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Stigmata

Stigmata
(1999) Patricia Arquette, Gabriel Byrne, Jonathan Pryce, Nia Long, Thomas Kopache, Rade Serbedzija, Dick Latessa, Portia de Rossi, and Enrico Colantoni

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The critics hated this film, audiences were torn (it’s one of those love it or hate it types), and me? I was on the love it side, all the way. In fact, I loved it so much that I named one of my cats Frankie! hehe There isn’t anything I didn’t like about the film. The actors were great (not Daniel Day-Lewis or Meryl Streep great, but still very good), the story was interesting, the visuals were beautiful, and, to top it all off, it’s got a bitchin’ soundtrack, featuring Chumbawamba (no, not that song), Massive Attack, Björk and David Bowie, and with a score written in part by The Smashing Pumpkins’ Billy Corgan. It’s a great movie with a great message. Plus, it’s got Gabriel Byrne playing a disturbingly sexy priest. He alone would have made the movie, so the fact that it’s awesome is just plain gravy, hehe. So, obviously, it gets a big ol’ 10/10 from me.

This movie is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy! 🙂

 

M.