Words to Live By (aka, How to Survive a Horror Movie)

Sometimes while watching a horror movie, you just have to roll your eyes at some of the choices that the characters make, or even yell at them and throw popcorn at the screen. So many horror movie deaths could have been avoided if the characters had just followed these simple rules.

 

1- If you come across a restless spirit, you need to put it to rest. Throw salt over its bones and then burn them to make sure it can’t come back.

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2- If you’ve watched a cursed videotape, just make a copy and pass it on to someone else.

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3- If someone offers you “wine” in a bejeweled bottle, don’t drink it.

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4- A scary, abandoned building that’s supposedly haunted with murderous spirits is not a good place for a party or romantic interlude.

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5- The clown in the sewer is NOT your friend.

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6- Don’t. Read. The fucking. Latin.

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7- Making a deal with the devil or a demon will always bite you in the ass. Always. Just say no.

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8- If you find two feral children in the woods, just leave them there.

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9- If your house is constantly trying to kill you, get the fuck out!

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10- Don’t buy dolls. Of any kind. Just don’t do it.

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11- Stop after the fourth “Candyman” (or second “Bloody Mary”). Don’t mess with that shit.

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12- A Ouija board is not a cute, harmless toy to give your kids.

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13- Stay out of the basement.

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14- Don’t play with hypnotism. You never know who, or what, will hitch a ride back.

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15- Playing God is a bad idea.

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16- Testing dangerous, new, untried experiments on yourself is a really bad idea.

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17- And, finally, whatever you do, don’t.. fall.. asleep.

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Follow these rules, and you should live to see another day!! 😀

M.

30 Day Horror Challenge (in 6 Days): Days 11 to 15

Alright, let’s get right into this.

Day 11 – Favorite Horror Comedy: Cabin in the Woods

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Before Cabin in the Woods came out, this spot was long occupied by Army of Darkness. As I’ve said before, I really didn’t like The Evil Dead, or it’s sequel. But Army of Darkness made me laugh so hard the first time I saw it, I almost peed myself. It was definitely the horror comedy to beat, and Cabin did it, and them some. When I originally saw the trailers, how they set it up didn’t really make me want to see it much, it looked like just another slasher flick. I figured I’d see it at some point once it was out on dvd or Netflix. But then after it came out, I noticed, on Facebook, as one by one my friends saw it and raved about it. I was told, often, that I absolutely NEEDED to go see this on the big screen. Not understanding why such a generic slasher could cause such a fuss, I went to IMDb to read up a bit on it, and that’s when I saw it: Written by Joss Whedon. So I grabbed my mom, and went to see it in the cinema as soon as I possibly could. And it was the greatest thing since, well, everything. It was absolutely hilarious, and yet still managed to be scary at the same time, something Army of Darkness wasn’t able to do. And of course, that ending… I don’t use the word “epic” much, but that’s exactly what it was. Epic. It had epicdom in spades. If you happen to be one of the three horror fans on the planet who hasn’t seen this film yet, I won’t spoil it for you. But I will say WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?? Go see it, now! No really, stop reading my silly little blog, and go see it. Schnell!!

 

Day 12 – Most Disturbing Horror Film: Stephen King’s It

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This film is occupying this slot for one reason, and one reason only. Pennywise the fucking Dancing Clown. I saw this film when it first aired as a two part mini-series in ’90 (based on the Stephen King novel of the same name), and it scared the ever-living snot out me. No, it’s not the best film, some of the acting is a little shakey, some of the dialogue is a little hokey (you have to remember that it was made for early ’90s televison), but that clown. That goddamned clown. I watch it every couple of years, and it still gets to me, 23 years later. I’ve heard whispers that they’re looking to remake it for the big screen. If they get anyone but Tim Curry to play the role, I think I may just boycott it, because he was it. No one else could fill those ridiculously big shoes. Oh yes, they float. They all float down here. Ugh, I got goosebumps just writing that…

 

Day 13 – Favorite Zombie Film: Warm Bodies

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I’m not the biggest fan of the zombie movie. I’ve seen the original Night of the Living Dead, and while I enjoyed it, it’s definitely not my favorite anything. I just find the whole genre a little dumb. It has to be really good, and contain a lot more than just shambling dead folks to keep my attention. When I saw the trailers for Warm Bodies, I almost peed myself. A zombie comedy that also has a love story? I definitely had to see this. It was way funnier than I had even expected, while still managing to have some good, tense moments, and the romance, while really being the whole point of the “humanizing” that’s happening to the shufflers, is not shoved in your face. Anyone saying that this is just Twilight with zombies needs to shut up and actually go see the movie.

 

Day 14 – Favorite Indie Horror: The Woman in Black

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From Hammer Films, the gods of indie horror, The Woman in Black is an almost perfect piece of film-making. Daniel Radcliffe ups his game, putting Harry Potter far from our minds as Arthur Kipps, a young widowed father who goes to a small town to settle the estate of an old woman who has just passed away. But things in the sprawling mansion are not as quiet as they first seems. This film is tense, atmospheric, an amazing study in gothic horror. The boo!scares are kept to a minimum, which is always a pleasant surprise. Too many films are relying on those these days. Yes, it gives you a fright, but it’s not a “real” fright. Very, very well done. I may even use the word masterpiece. Yes, I think I will. This film is a masterpiece.

 

Day 15 – Favorite Monster Movie: Watchers

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For this category, almost anything could be called a monster, so I decided to cut out everything that often has it’s own sub-genres (vampires, werewolves, ghosts, aliens, etc), and went straight to “undefined” monsters. Watchers gets a lot of flack from people who loved the novel (by Dean Koontz) for being almost nothing like it. And yes, it’s true. Book and movie don’t have a whole lot in common. But if you’re able to put the novel out of your head while watching, it’s a pretty entertaining piece of film. The acting and effects are mostly pretty crappy, but it’s still a fun, campy popcorn flick. Plus, I totally had a major crush on Corey Haim.

 

Thanks for reading and stay tuned tomorrow for Days 16 to 20! 🙂

M.