Mel’s 5 Second Review: Jurassic World

Jurassic World
(2015) Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Nick Robinson, Ty Simpkins, Vincent D’Onofrio, Irrfan Khan, BD Wong, Omar Sy, Jake Johnson, Lauren Lapkus, Katie McGrath, Judy Greer

So, I actually went to the cinema! More by misadventure than anything else, but I made it, regardless. The tickets were already bought, and I was a little bummed it was this film instead of Mad Max, but I went along anyways. First of all, let me say that I wasn’t all that interested in seeing this, even though I absolutely love all things dinosaur. Jurassic Park was, and remains, one of my very favourite films, but the sequels sucked. Bad. Especially 3. So when I heard of this, I was a little leery. And then I saw the trailers, with the trained raptors, and I was like “fuck this shit”. But, the tickets were already bought when I arrived, so I went. A little begrudgingly, since it was also in 3D, and 3D makes me nauseous.

The first 20 minutes or so are boring as hell. Everyone seemed to be a fucking asshole save the excited little kid. And they just seemed to be cardboard cutouts of clichés: arrogant army guy, tough guy who’s really a softie, asshole older brother who’s only interested in girls, the hard working lady who’s a cold hearted bitch, etc. But then, something wonderful happened. The characters started popping out of their cutout roles, and the dinos appeared. Boy, did they ever! They didn’t look as good as in the first film, a lot of the action is supplemented by CGI, but at least it was good looking CGI, and not cartoony shit that so many films seem to be doing these days (lord knows why…). The new dinosaur, Indominus Rex, is pretty freaking cool, but not cool enough to out-shine the velociraptors, who steal the show yet again (although, they still don’t look like they’re supposed to, where are the feathers, people!) Speaking of the raptors, I was very wary about the whole trained thing, I was expecting something ridiculous after seeing Owen ride his bike along side them in the trailer, but it’s actually well done. They still treat them as dangerous, they’re far from domesticated, so it was acceptable. As for the Indominus itself, I’d argue that humanity could never be that stupid in real life, but yes. Yes they could. All the other dinos were also well done, especially the Mosasaur, holy crap. The long necked dino (I’m not sure what type it was, didn’t look like a Brachiosaur) Owen and Claire held while it died was very well done, and that’s always the case when they use the animatronic dinos instead of CGI (which is why the first one was so amazing). We only get a little bit of T-Rex, but what we do get is pretty epic (and I don’t use that word lightly).

And then there’s the eye candy. Really, all that was missing is a leather clad and oft shirtless Jeff Goldblum to spew his sass all over the place. Claire, played by Bryce Dallas Howard, is absolutely stunning, and gets more so the more disheveled she gets. The older of the boys, Zach, played by Nick Robinson, is so cute that I felt a little skeezy while staring at him (but! No worries! He’s 20 years old now, so it’s all good. Just age 4 or 5 more years, Nick, then Cougar Mel will take good care of you :-p ). And then there’s Chris Pratt,who played Owen. Okay, okay, I kind of get it now. He’s not usually my type, way too much man for me, but he’s positively charming. Rounding out the cast (though not eye candy), is the wonderful Vincent D’Onofrio, as bad guy Hoskins, who’s even more of a douchebag than the first film’s Denis Nedry. Nedry just wanted money. Hoskins wants to turn the raptors into weapons of war. Way to go, asshole.

One last thing before I stop blabbing (I’ll have to change the title of my review if this keeps up, but “Mel’s 100 Second Review” just doesn’t have the same ring to it, hehe). I’ve read in other reviews that people were upset about “all that fucking product placement” in this movie, and in lots of other films too, for that matter. And you know what? I say “get a life”. Did I notice the boy wearing headphones in the car? Yes. Did I notice they were Beats by Dre? Absolutely not. I only found out through another review. When I go to the movies, I’m there to enjoy a film, not sit and scrutinize all the logos that are hanging around. I’m sure there’s lots of them, and that’s fine. Movie makers make money by doing that, and more money (usually) means a better quality film. So if Dre wants his headphones in a frame, if Mercedes wants their logo on a truck, I say go for it. Just don’t pretend it didn’t happen in the first film, too (like the author of the last review I read).

All in all, this was a perfectly fun film, with an unfortunate beginning. So a bit is knocked off for that, and a bit more for relying too much on CGI sometimes, but it still gets a wonderful 8/10 from me.

This film is not currently streaming on Netflix (obviously :-p ). It’s scheduled to be released on DVD and BluRay in October. But if you have a chance to see it in the cinema, I highly recommend it. I don’t think it’ll have the same wow-factor on the small screen.

M.